Thursday, November 17, 2011
Cancer's Lucky Strike
The surgery that I was supposed to have today didn’t happen.
Maybe it’s because I listed my religious preference to the hospital clerk as Jedi, maybe it’s because improbability dances with me in the shadows, or maybe, just maybe, it’s “just because”. Scratch that last one, I’ve seen and experienced too much to believe in “just because.”
What bothers me is that, in a very odd way, I feel I let so many people down. All the love and positive energy from people I received to face this day and the coach never let me off the bench.
We went to the hospital and I was admitted, given a fashionable paper gown and sock like things (which I’m still wearing). They took some of my blood; fitted me with some blood-clot preventing, inflatable calf leggings (which I brought home), hooked me up to the IV and sent my wife in to wait with me for the moment that I had , after weeks of anxiety, finally prepared myself for. I was ready for this. I wasn’t afraid.
Then the medical team came in. The doctor said that he had bad news. The robotic equipment that was to be used in my procedure was, for the first time, malfunctioning, and the surgery could not be performed today. I was stunned; I had read that these machines malfunction less than 1% of the time. More than that, I was crestfallen. My dark passenger would continue life inside me for a while longer.
For their part, the staff of the hospital was extremely apologetic, even giving us gift cards for the cafeteria since I’d been on a liquid diet for the last 48 hours preparing for the surgery, and was famished.
Later I learned that the equipment had malfunctioned during the prostatectomy that was taking place before mine, and that my urologist had to finish it up old school, which is much messier and less reliable.
So I guess, I’m sort of lucky.
But damn it, I had this! I was in charge of my feelings in a stressful situation for one of the first times in my life and I didn’t get a chance to win the day. All because a highly improbable malfunction happened *minutes* before I was going to be put under. That’s not bad luck, that’s a challenge from the Universe. I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure out what that challenge is.
The next try at surgery will be mid-December.
So the question that I pose to you dear reader is:
Do I save the narrative of this story by not posting for a few weeks until after the surgery *really* takes place (perhaps with the entry title “Let’s Kill Cancer!”); or do you still love me enough to let me carry on as is?